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The characteristics present in happy and healthy families are positive identities, deep affection, and happiness skills. The last two appear to be perfectly obvious, but the first takes some explaining. In fact, another Life Solutions article deals with identity (Identity and Relationships). We will first talk about what these things mean in simplest terms. Positive Identities All of us carry around in our hearts an instinctive picture of ourselves. The picture we have of ourselves developed while we were growing up. Thus, it is very difficult to change in adulthood. The effect of this instinctive picture is immense. In our growing up years, we related to the family members about us. Over and over again our parents and our sisters and brothers described how they saw us and what they saw inside of us. Their perspectives and opinions rushed upon us and enveloped us. As they related to us, they created a picture of ourselves in our hearts. This picture can be a positive legacy or, sadly, a curse. Several years ago I was meeting with a group of women, and they described a woman who was not present. One of the women in the group related how she and the absent woman would go to single bars or to a party together. The woman who was speaking was quite attractive and had done some modeling. Inevitably, she said, the other woman, who was short and a little plump, would end up receiving all the attention from the men. The men would ignore her more attractive friends and focus on her. The pretty woman -- who was telling the story -- volunteered that this less attractive woman was a delight and very 'other' centered. I heard so much about this person that I looked forward to meeting her. Finally, I did, and she met my expectations. It was easy to see why so many men found her attractive. She was comfortable with herself and cheerful, but she was also very interested in the people about her. I asked her why she was so comfortable with herself. She said that in the family she grew up in she had a deep sense of being loved and liked. She received a great gift from her parents – a positive picture of herself. Many parents give to their children the great gift of a positive and honest picture of who they are. Such a picture also goes beyond the person herself or himself to a picture of the acceptability of one’s gender. Some mothers, for example, who despise themselves sometimes pass on to their daughters a hopelessly flawed picture of femininity. One of the realities that one runs into again and again in counseling is either indifference or animosity towards one’s own gender. A positive or negative reaction to one’s gender comes out of the family context. I have worked in many churches of varying ethnic diversity. As I did so, I could not help but notice, and was also frequently told, that in the traditional Chinese homes, boys were much preferred over girls. What seems to be a common tragedy is that within those homes, it is the mother who is the fiercest supporter of the traditional system. I have had Chinese women, in tears and anger, tell me how they felt deeply betrayed by their own mothers. They taught these daughters by word and example to view themselves as inferior to their brothers. Further, the parents made decisions that always favored the boys. In the healthy home a positive but equal affection is extended towards the two genders. Another instinctive pattern is introduced in the home, and that is the regard shown between the family members. Not only does a child learn about himself or herself, the child also learns instinctively what the relationship between the genders is, what the relationship between the parents is, and what the relationship between the parents and the children is. For example, the greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother and show that love in affectionate ways. So we see that the self-portrait is painted in a thousand different ways. When it is painted right, the children have an affectionate and honest picture of themselves imprinted across their hearts. Also, by the example of the relationship between the parents, the children learn an instinctive respect for the opposite gender. A foundation is placed for the other two elements of a healthy family: deep affection and the use of happiness skills. When positive identities are present, then, the husband feels good about being male, he has an idea of what that is, and he enjoys the role of a husband. The same is true of the wife. She knows what it means to be feminine and positively regards her gender and her role. Deep Affection Children are interesting to watch. When an adult turns to them in attentive affection, one can almost see the child shiver in instinctive delight. Affection creates a powerful and positive current within family life. A good home is a pleasurable place. If strong bonds of affection exist, the process of confronting and disciplining teenagers is much easier. When a child feels nurtured, standards are more easily enforced. For example, Paul the Apostle, a teacher in the church of the first century A.D., told fathers particularly to invest their own hearts in their children and not to continually make them angry: Fathers, stop making your children angry, but nurture them out of your own hearts in a process of child training and confrontation in harmony with the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 Affection turns a house into a home; it is the glue holding a family together. Researchers tell us that 80% of communication is non-verbal; the glance of the eyes and the bend of the body and the smile on the face say things that words cannot. Non-verbal communication is created by the affection between people. If positive identities exist and deep affection abides, the final bonds holding the family together are happiness skills. Happiness Skills Happiness skills are those abilities healthy and happy people use to sustain relationships. Examples of such skills are manifold. Trusting is a skill. Created in a loyal, affectionate environment, trust creates friendships and sustains love. Due to the rising tide of divorce and desertions by husbands and fathers, many individuals have lost that ability. Evidence for this exists all around us. We have the highest percentage of single adults in our nation’s history. The second highest was right after the Civil War when due to the War many marriages were postponed. In parts of Northern California, where I live, certain counties have more single adults than married individuals. Many believe this is due to the inability of single people to entrust themselves to others. Due to that inability, many will never marry. Other happiness skills are conflict resolution skills. If a couple cannot work through differences, they will separate emotionally or even physically. That is one of the fundamental skills of marriage, along with the capacity to spend time together and to hold a conversation. Holding a conversation might seem like a simple skill, but couple after couple confuse that with problem solving. Conversation takes place when two people share their days. It is similar to a weather report; they describe the atmosphere within. In their conversation, they should share the happiest moments in their day, the saddest moment in their day, a hurt they suffered throughout the day, and something they would like without demanding it. As they do this day after day, such conversation will become the delight of their lives together. These basic skills are the glue of relationships. Affection and romance bring couples together, but it is a healthy identity that will serve as foundation for their life. Their happiness skills will develop their love, and ease them through personal problems.
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healthy family has three common
characteristics. These characteristics describe the atmosphere
as well as what goes on in a healthy family. In one sense,
these things describe in broadest possible terms how family members
feel and how they treat each other.
