All my life, born and raised in a Chinese Christian home, I had prided myself in knowing God's word pretty well.  Though I cannot recite the bible verse from back to front, I know all the major stories, ...etc.  Growing up in a Chinese home, though Christian, it doesn't release one from traditional Chinese culture.

I was brought to believe that one lives for the communal good.  This means that one must sacrifice one's own happiness if it means it would make others' lives better for the common good of the community as a whole.  This doesn't necessarily contradict with the Christian teaching either as I had always thought that Christ's sacrificial death is the supreme example of constant self-denial for the good of others.

Given this cultural background and religious assumption, I began hating my life. Because I had no life.  It's as though the mere existence of me is to live for others, living for my family, then husband, children, parents, and even God.  I became bitter and resentful. I lost a sense of purpose of living on this earth, because living for others is no fun at all!  In fact, I constantly felt manipulated by and taken advantage of by others imposing additional responsibilities onto my shoulders directly or indirectly.  Sometimes I would feel so heavily burdened that I could barely grasp a breath of fresh air.

It was not until after Dr. Eckman talked to us about the Invisible Man example, that I realized that's where all the hidden bitterness and anger were rooted from. all my life,  I thought the purpose of my life was to glorify God at all cost: this means to me a life of constant self-denial.  Therefore all this busyness was a part of prerequisite toward holiness.

However, when Dr. Eckman started asking me deeper questions, he helped me realize that the primary purpose of my life is to love God.  Love God as a way to reciprocate the love he'd demonstrated on the cross and what he's been continually doing in my life.  And all I have to do is to love God back!  This is the first time God's love to me felt so refreshing and relieving.  He's not looking to condemn me because for one second, I'd been thinking about my own needs for once.  He just want me to love him back. 

I felt sooooo refreshed and relieved.  It's as though a heavy burden had just dropped off my shoulders!  I couldn't imagine what life would be like not having to constantly be worried about living for others.  I thank God for such deliverance from years of bondage.  I feel free!  I feel so loved by God that now I know my action to do things for God is powered by God's love and the desire to reciprocate such great and unconditional love, not by some dogmatic rules and condemnation.  And whenever possible, by the strength of God, I want to love God back in everything I do.

Thank you, Dr. Eckman, you've lightened my spiritual and emotional burden so much.  God has used you to give me hope for this life and life to come.

Whole heartedly,

Elim Marianetti
Chinese Church in Christ
San Jose, CA

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